moving day

i have moved to kopidingdong.livejournal.com!

see you guys there !



goodbye blogspot
u were great !

farce alert!

hello,

eons have past since you last heard the rational naresh, well i must say i missed him too, no excuses would be rationalise the purges that i have put myself through the past weeks. i guess i have a ton of insecurities that i need to address in my life, and they have to address by the time i get into uni.

the other day i saw JEREMY LEE at the bus stop whilst traveling on the not so popular bus toward the hell hole i call my NS life, there was a sudden tug in my heart that asked me, did i help make people feel good about themselves, my endless cynicsim may have very well chased them away. i have in countless instances made people like jeremy feel really SHITTY about themselves, i guess inside me i wanted to feel good about myself... it sickenss me to have realised that i do that, it sickens to the core that i made the people i care most about feel utterly useless about themselves. furthermore, i realised that i was expecting from people something i was not good at the first place, i wanted them to be the friend or family i could not myself be. i hate that part of me that is egoistical and unbeleivably inward looking. it sickens me that i place so much importance in character traits that i have yet to master. Standards cannot be set until they are first met by one self, i reagret the fcat that i made people feel that way, i'm sorry that i became egoistical and i'm truly remorseful that i did not try to live to make others happy and feel good about themselves. i was selfish, myopic and childish. there are no excuese for that.

i'm blessed wth friends who are willing to work on me, friends who see me for who i am and not what i'm on the surface. i'm greateful that my mother is so selfless and yet so loving to a son who hasnt been there for her for the past three years. most of all i'm blessed that i have a second chances to make it right. all i need now is for all of you who know me to help me step by step to become a better person.

living life to be an asset.
living life to be dedicated to love.
sacrificial living. is living to the fullest.

tonight the world begins

to build quality relationships and meaningful ones i must learn to BE NICE, and spend time and effort and lastly to manage expectations toward the people around me. it sould not be all about be me, but all about them and their feelings.

so iwas depressed these past weeks not knowing what life had in stalled for me, well besides the fact that my family does not know me, the fact that my FRIENDS think they know me and certian few try to diciple me. i had to escape and and find solace in my own special way, and so i venture into SADAM, and realised that there was where i wanted to be, right there, in two years time was where i would be proplled into my future.

in my life i have become acutely aware of the fact that i'm all alone in my journey through life, but i cant really be bothered about that anymore, people just dont invest that much time in me as i would in them. why must i make the first move al the time, i'm nothard up. i'm proud, i'm smart , i'm talented and i'm begining to like being alone. its quiet here, less predictable more experimental. i can be who i want and what i want to do. God has beome a figment in my life now, i feel so far from him as if i deserted him for fear i may have to commit. i cannot love, likewise love is not for a person like me. weird i may be, yet i may be the last of its kind on earth. i want to love, i want to be longed for, i want to be cherished and i want to see that surfacing toward me. i need to know. i juts need to know.

should i have no answer- i'll just be in my litle world doing my own little thing , becoming who i want to be.

i'm goingto pray now, to get the HS in my life to be longed by god and longing for god.

but in humans, i have lost all hope to communicate. because NO ONE SEES.

regards
naresh .s

SLEEPING IN

when you meet someone, you become friends and you have no idea that this person would become someone close to you then you would ever imagine they would ever be. when i looked into her teary eyes and disturb face, my heart went out for her, unknown to myself i have let these people become a part of me, like my family - now i cant help but care. i dont like doing it, i spend so much time building these walls to prevent love and anguish to spurn their hands of vengence upon me, only to have walls broken down.
with the collapse of these carefully designed walls and facades i placed in my life, it became apparent that i need love , i need this people, i care for these people and most of all i will love and it would hurt! would i be wounded beyond recogntion is a risk every other human like myself must take. today i saw how love is longed , in weeks time i would see how love is undeniably hurtful, in all these i would see the eternity love and the impregnible force it really is, it is beautiful in its time and alluringly hurtful at the same time. we cannot stop loving and we cannot be immune from love.
dont wake me i plan on sleeping in.
if only it were that simple.
if only sleep could stop me from feeling.
if only would be able to feel this inpregnible force.
if only there were no more "if onlies"

emotion: convulsion turn distressed turned anguish.

the kopiding and the dong!

i must say that the singapore binnale was to me a successful FLOP! like hello! omgness! the freaking padang was turned into a titanic dance floor with invigorating music from the DJ dude from MOS and many other avant grade musians and all singaporeans could do was WATCH, or in one mans' case wear a dress and dance in the most unmeaningful of manners! my gang the 'decadent artists' were already getting our groove on! but missed something ... a girl or the people to dance with! in the dark corners of the padang one sad group was actaully dancing and getting on with the vibe of the whole music!whilst one guy was standing there facing the stage arms folded and observing like the founder of singapore- i mean if we wanted raffles we would look for a white GUY! EH! totally and utterly dissapointed by the level of arts in singaporeans! ( IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY - EXITS ARE LOCATED HERE , HERE and HERE.. EVERYWHERE !.. we area freaking island!... thank you for flying ASS-Q)

mood- cynical ~

BASIC

I FAILED THE BASIC!

and i attribute the above success to my in escapable sense of loss after signing up for the damn test! i guess i took it too lightly and and failed to see the fact that i HAD to STUDY a little for teh test, i got too preoccpied with other things that i failed to prepare and pla for my driving aims for my NS life! it was a duly awaited wake up call, i really do appreciate the fact that KASSTER was KIND ENOUGH to tell/remind me how stupid and dumb i was to fail the damn test! i mean i dont deserve to pass it (granted), but alothoug it was another of kasster SACASTIC remarks to my "lowly being" it was vivdly reminicent of my LEE JAKE HOOI. and you know what that means! its on! ( talk is cheap) ego bruised! but for the better!

so now
1. intellectual knowledge
2. Driving
3. Rugby
4. ART DESIGN MEDIA
5.spirit
6. character

1/10 no joke! its now or never!

a short story is on its way
!

blank !

blah ... not a good day ..no creativity ... ziltch ! ...